Constantine (2005) *

I hesitated to watch this one, mostly because it fails the Keanu Reeves test. The test is simple: If Keanu Reeves is in it, don't watch it! It showed up on Netflix, however, and I was looking for an action movie to watch while working out. The movie is also based on a famous graphic novel from the 90's, “Hellblazer,” so I gave it a chance.

Reeves plays John Constantine, a psychic detective who investigates demonic possessions and other supernatural phenomena. He gets drawn into the age-old battle between Heaven and Hell. Demons aren't supposed to cross into our dimensional plane, and when they do, Constantine casts them back to Hell. He is apparently destined for Hell, himself, and hoping to earn himself a spot in Heaven.

I tend to be pretty hard on Keanu Reeves, and his acting in “Constantine” is as wooden as ever, but truth be told, no actor could have saved this movie. The plot and backstory are a ridiculous mess, mixing and twisting theologies into a bizarre mix of action-hero one-liners and Christian faith. The whole thing is best summed up by Constantine's crucifix-shaped slug-gun. “Constantine” occasionally attempts a bit of sly humor, but Reeves is not able to pull it off. If this were intended to be simply a mindless bit of guilty-pleasure, I could respect that, but “Constantine” doesn't even pull that off. Rachel Weisz stars as a police detective working with Constantine, but in this R-rated feature, not only does she not have a sex scene with Reeves, she doesn't even strip down to her underwear at any point. I would say the one bright spot in the film is Tilda Swinton, who is quite convincing as the androgynous angel Gabriel.

So that's the best thing I can say about “Constantine”: It's hard to tell if Tilda Swinton is a man or a woman. The only reason I made it through is that I was exercising. The action and music were adequate for that purpose, only. I can't imagine watching this on the couch. If there is a Hell, I'll bet they have tv screens everywhere, showing this movie on a continual loop.

1 star out of 5