Death on the Nile (2022) ***1/2

 

I won't claim to be the biggest Agatha Christie fan. Her detective stories are too old-fashioned and mannered for me. I prefer the Philip Marlowe style of detective, the guys who pound the pavement and get their asses kicked until the guilty parties tip their hands. Nonetheless, Christie's deductive geniuses do have a certain style. Of her works I have read, Murder on the Orient Express is the best, and rightfully her most famous. Death on the Nile would probably be runner-up. Both have been adapted to the screen more than once.

Kenneth Branagh's 2017 iteration of “Murder on the Orient Express” was a massive hit, bringing in over $350 million worldwide. Those are Marvel Comics numbers, and on a much lower budget, so it's no surprise that Branagh would get another shot at directing and playing detective Hercule Poirot. The story finds Poirot on holiday, exploring the cultural riches of Egypt. There, on a boat cruising the Nile, a love triangle turns violent, and Poirot is compelled to solve the case.

This is not the most memorable film, but it has its moments, and it is worthwhile popcorn entertainment. Screenwriter Michael Green deviates from the novel in the beginning, giving some Poirot back-story and using a jazz-age nightclub to establish the central love triangle much more succinctly than the novel does. The film is graced with an all-star cast, including Gal Godot and Emma Mackey as the former friends competing for the heart of Armie Hammer. The cinematography of the Egyptian ruins and countryside is gorgeous.

I don't know about you, but I have never witnessed or been present at a murder, and the same goes for most people I know. Hercule Poirot, however, keeps having murders occur around him, despite the fact that he is a famous detective. You would think that seeing Poirot on board a train or boat might stay a murderer's hand. At the very least, you might expect this propensity to affect Poirot's social popularity. As it goes, evildoers always try to outsmart the detective, and he remains the toast of society.

3.5 stars out of 5

Voyage of the Rock Aliens (1984) ***

 

If you like off-beat movies like “The Rocky Horror Picture Show” and “The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8^th Dimension,” then here's a chance to really test your taste for the weird. “Voyage of the Rock Aliens” is a musical spoof of sci-fi, horror, and beach movies that makes “Buckaroo Banzai” look like “Citizen Kane.”

To the extent that it matters, the plot involves a group of space aliens who cross the galaxy in a guitar-shaped spaceship, searching for rock-n-roll. They land in a small town, where their leader, ABCD, falls in lust with high-schooler DeeDee. (Pia Zadora, whose character is clearly named for the level of her acting skills, which makes her by far the most talented person in the film.) ABCD and his crew research earth life while avoiding the local sheriff (Ruth Gordon) and dealing with DeeDee's boyfriend and his gang/band, all to various musical numbers. Also, there's a Jermaine Jackson/ Pia Zadora music video near the beginning that has no connection to the rest of the plot, and Jackson does not otherwise appear in the movie.

The thing is, Pia Zadora is so adorable that she, alone, is worth the price of admission. She's about 5 feet tall, smokin' hot, and completely committed to her role, as ridiculous as it is. Truth be told, no one in this film phones it in. As bad as the script, acting, and songs are, everyone in the film acts like it is their last, which it probably was for most of them. The songs sound like parodies of other, better, songs, but even they have some charm, and that Jackson/Zadora duet was actually a hit.

If you wonder why you have never heard of this gem, it's because it was never released, at least not in American cinemas. You can watch it streaming now, and you'll like it if you like this sort of thing. It's as goofy and low-rent as “The Velocipastor,” and just as much fun!

3 stars out of 5

Life of Crime (2013) ***

 

Between his westerns and his crime novels, author Elmore Leonard has had his share of books adapted into movies. One of his best adaptations, most would agree, was Quentin Tarantino's 1997 film, “Jackie Brown.” Based on Leonard's novel, Rum Punch, it featured a colorful cast of characters circling around a trove of drug money. Two of those characters were Ordell, played by Samuel L. Jackson, and Louis, played by Robert De Niro.

2013's dark comedy “Life of Crime,” based on Leonard' novel The Switch, features the exploits of those two knuckleheads preceding the events of “Jackie Brown.” It's the late 70's, and Louis and Ordell decide to kidnap rich socialite Mickey Dawson (Jennifer Aniston). They figure on a fat ransom, little knowing that her husband (Tim Robbins) has a mistress (Isla Fisher) and is planning to file for divorce.

This time around, Louis is played by John Hawkes, and Ordell by Yasiin Bey (formerly known as the rapper Mos Def). These guys clearly don't bring the star power of Samuel L. Jackson and Robert De Niro, but they bring their own charm to the roles. Tim Robbins and Isla Fisher are excellent, as is Will Forte as Mickey's milquetoast lover.

Aniston is just alright. She gives the same blankly-staring, flat-affect performance that she always gives. I can never exactly pinpoint a fault in her acting, but as beautiful and stylish as she is in real life, she always fails to light up the screen.

Aniston notwithstanding, it's a great cast, yet “Life of Crime” is not in the same league as “Jackie Brown.” Director Daniel Schecter seems to have trouble finding and maintaining his tone. He also fetishizes period details to a distracting extent. The film is set in 1978, so every car has to be from that year, and every outfit has to be period-perfect. In real life, everyone doesn't just buy everything all in the same year. People have cars and clothes from 5, 10, 15 years ago, all mixed together.

It may be an unfair comparison. Leonard wrote The Switch in 1978 and Rum Punch in 1992, but Hollywood switched the order of things by adapting Rum Punch first, into “Jackie Brown,” which was the kind of classic that revives careers and sticks with you. It's hard to live up to that. Without that legacy to carry, “Life of Crime” could be enjoyed as what it is, a fairly entertaining, darkly funny, popcorn movie.

3 stars out of 5

The Fly (1958) **1/2 and The Fly (1986) ****1/2

I first saw David Cronenberg's remake of “The Fly” when it came out, in 1986. I thought it was pretty great back then, but then, I thought every movie was great then. I was curious how it had aged, and the answer is, “pretty damn well!” I also wondered how it compared to the sci-fi/horror original from 1958, so I watched them back-to-back. 

 

 

The original film, by producer/director Kurt Neumann was based on George Langelaan's short story, which Neumann reportedly discovered in Playboy magazine. (See? Some people DO read the articles!) It tells the story of scientist Andre Delambre (David Hedison), who develops a transportation device. When he attempts to transport himself, a fly gets into the transporter with him, leading to horrible malformations for both of them. Patricia Owens plays Delambre's June-Cleaver-esque wife, Helene, and Vincent Price plays his brother, Francois.

While Neumann elevates “The Fly” above the usual level of B-movies, it is still very much the kind of movie you would have seen at the drive-in, back when that was a thing. The film is very of its time, with its Cold War/Nuclear era theme of science gone wrong, not to mention being a po-faced, back-to-church cautionary tale about what happens when man trespasses on God's territory. The film also has whiplash-inducing changes in tone, going from moments of horror and suspense to scenes that look and sound like an episode of “Leave it to Beaver.” Maybe these clashes were intentional, meant to emphasize the possibility of disaster underlying First World prosperity and domestic bliss. The acting is generally better than B-movie level, and while Patricia Owens never really escaped B-movies, David Hedison went on to a successful film career, including playing CIA agent Felix Leiter in a couple of Bond movies.

I would say the film's best touch is its reversal of chronology. The story starts with Andre's death, with his wife being accused of his murder. This leaves the audience doubly in suspense: wondering how Andre's accident occurred and also what will happen to poor Helene. Neumann also shows restraint with his special effects for most of the film, keeping Andre/Fly covered up most of the time. Unfortunately, that restraint goes off the rails in the film's next-to-last scene. The human-headed fly trapped in a spider's web, with that tiny voice screaming “Help me!” ends the film on such a ridiculous note that it undermines the suspense and horror.

 

 

While the original “The Fly” is a classic in a B-movie kind of way, David Cronenberg's 1986 remake is a true classic. He kept the idea of a teleporter accident, but it is otherwise a very different story. Jeff Goldblum plays scientist Seth Brundle. He meets journalist Veronica Quaife (Geena Davis) and invites her to document his work on teleportation. Same as in the first movie, a fly gets into the teleporter with the scientist, only in this case the merger happens on a genetic level, and Brundle's transformation is gradual.

Making the process gradual allows Cronenberg's film to be a much more effective body-horror tale. Most of us have had nightmares of losing our teeth or hair, so watching the process unfold on Brundle hits close to home. In fact, while many in 1986 understandably saw the film as an AIDS metaphor, Cronenberg has said that he intended it as a more universal allegory of disease in general, or even just the aging process. However you interpret it, the film is an outstanding horror movie that transcends its genre, thanks in part to excellent performances by its 2 stars. Be afraid. Be very afraid!

The Fly (1958) – 2.5 stars out of 5

The Fly (1986) – 4.5 stars out of 5