Species (1995) ***

Awards season is over, so what's a guy to watch? How about a schlocky B-movie from the mid-'90s that looks like it's from the '80s? I was scrolling through my HBONow account, and they offered up “Species.” One thing about HBONow that sucks but is also kind of awesome is that they don't make personalized recommendations or offer film ratings. They treat all the movies on their site equally, which opens the door to watching some truly trashy films. I read the description of this movie, and frankly, they had me at “alien seductress.”

Ben Kingsley plays Dr. Fitch, a government researcher. He has combined human and alien DNA to create a hybrid creature called Sil. Sil looks human,but she has grown into a teen in a matter of months. When Fitch's team tries to “end the experiment” by killing her, Sil uses her superhuman strength to escape. On the run, Sil morphs into a fully-mature woman in the form of model Natasha Henstridge. Eager to reproduce her alien DNA, Sil hits L.A. looking for a mate.

Fitch, meanwhile, assembles a team to hunt Sil down. Alfred Molina and Marg Helgenberger play Drs. Stephen Arden and Laura Baker, a couple of scientists. Michael Madsen is Lennox, a government assassin, and Forest Whitaker rounds out the team as Dan, an empath who can partly read Sil's mind.

Take a moment to get your mind around that cast list. How did a cheap movie about a half-naked, horny, alien seductress land such a classy, all-star cast? Between them, Kingsley and Whitaker have almost as many prestigious acting awards as this movie has nude scenes, and the rest of the cast are no slouches, either. If you look closely, you may also recognize Michelle Williams at the beginning of the film as young Sil.

It's that inexplicable cast that makes this film more than it should be, even if some of them look like they aren't sure why they are there. Kingsley looks to me like he is ready to fire his agent, although if you ask me, it's Whitaker who has the most to complain about. He gamely recites the most ridiculous lines without irony. His character can read minds, but all he does is state the obvious. When the team see the first video footage of Sil in her mature form, as smokin'-hot model Natasha Henstridge, Dan says “She looks nice.” When the team walks into a train car with a dead body and an empty, alien cocoon, Dan's first impression is, “Something bad happened here.” Dan's observation when the team find Sil's car parked next to the curb, with an empty gas gauge and the door hanging open? “She walked.” He helpfully points in the direction the car is pointing. “She walked that way.” This stuff is unintentionally hilarious!

Otherwise, “Species” is standard B-movie fare, with a lame plot, a handful of naked breasts, and special effects that are remarkably cheesy for 1995. I mean, by the mid-'90s, you almost had to TRY to get special effects that look this rubbery and retro. As a viewer, though, you really have no right to complain. Just based on the movie poster and a brief summary of the film, you know what you are signing up for here.

To get back to the difference between HBONow and Netflix, there's simply no way I would have watched this on Netflix. You might be tempted by a picture of a scantily-clad babe or keywords like “alien seductress,” but when Netflix tells you a movie is only a 36% match with your tastes, chances are you will be too ashamed to hit Play. With HBO's lack of a ratings system, trashy movies are shame-free! You can totally convince yourself that the movie might be good, and feel bad about it afterwards. In the case of “Species”, it actually wasn't as bad as it could have been. If you are looking for something trashy but fun to watch on your HBO account, “Species” might be the movie for you.

3 stars out of 5

Die Hard (1988) ****1/2

This movie is really part of the canon at this point. It's such a classic of the action genre that it seems ridiculous to write a review of it, but I re-watched it the other day, and there are some things I noticed about it. Warning: The second half of this review contains major spoilers.

Bruce Willis plays John McClane, a New York cop visiting his estranged wife in L.A. over the Christmas holiday. Holly McClane, who has gone back to calling herself Holly Gennaro, is a successful executive with the Nakatomi corporation. John arrives at the Nakatomi skyscraper during the company Christmas party, just in time for the place to be attacked by a machine-gun toting squad of terrorists. Led by Hans Gruber (Alan Rickman), the gunmen take everyone hostage and start working on the company vault. John escapes to the upper reaches of the building and does what he can to interfere with their plans. He gets a radio and communicates with a cop on the outside, Sgt. Al Powell (Reginald Veljohnson), and he disrupts Hans's plans in spectacular fashion.

If you are one of the few people in the Free World who hasn't seen “Die Hard,” then you really need to stop reading now and just go watch it. In the modern, action-movie era of machine-guns, muscles, and explosions, “Die Hard” is one of the greats. Bruce Willis's mix of humor and intensity have aged better than the schtick of most '80s action heroes. He is a much more believable hero than Schwarzenegger or Stallone. Every great hero is only as good as his nemesis, and Alan Rickman is stellar as Hans. At one point in the movie, Hans pretends to be American, which means you have a British actor pretending to be a German pretending to be American. Rickman doesn't do a GOOD American accent, which he is probably perfectly capable of. He does the kind of American accent that a character like Hans, improvising in the moment, might do.

There is one aspect of “Die Hard,” however, that I never noticed before, and that is how anti-feminist the story is. Bonnie Bedelia does a great job playing Holly, the only significant female character in the film, but even her swagger can't overcome the movie's regressive message. We learn early in the film that Holly and John are estranged because Holly insisted on moving out to L.A. to further her career. A nanny watches her kids while she climbs the corporate ladder. She has even given up John's name to appear more independent in the corporate world. When he meets her at the Christmas party, she isn't wearing her wedding ring, but she IS wearing an expensive Rolex given to her by her employer. Holly is now married to her career, and John makes it clear that he isn't happy with her dropping his name and his ring.

When Holly's corporate world is invaded by Hans and his team, it is John, a manly, traditional guy, who comes to the rescue. When Holly shows some initiative of her own and steps up to be a leader, it is in a motherly role, asking Hans for bathroom breaks for the employees and for a couch for a pregnant woman. Finally, in the climactic scene, when Hans is hanging out of a 30-story window, dragging Holly towards the edge by her wrist, John releases the clasp on Holly's Rolex watch, letting it slip off her wrist and causing Hans to fall to his death. Holly could only be saved by giving up the token of her corporate success. Then in the end, having been rescued by her man, Holly introduces herself once again as “Holly McClane.”

To all of this I say, “So what?” Maybe “Die Hard” is a piece of Reagan-era propaganda for traditional family values. While we're at it, maybe the police chief and the reporter, who are secondary villains in the film, are ridiculously mustache-twirly. Maybe Sgt. Powell's story arc is painfully trite. None of these faults prevent “Die Hard” from being a classic and a must-watch. “Yippee kai-ay, mother----!”

4.5 stars out of 5

Bachelor Party (1984) **

“Bachelor Party” is only Tom Hank's second movie, coming out the same year as “Splash.” This was way before he became “Tom Hanks” the legend, but even in these early days you can see he is something special. He is definitely the best thing about “Bachelor Party.”

Hanks plays Rick, a laid-back bus driver with arrested development who has somehow gotten engaged to marry sweet, rich Debbie (Tawny Kitaen). Debbie's rich dad (George Grizzard) can't stand Rick, and schemes to get her back with the preppy, typical 80's villain, Cole. When Rick's hard-partying buddies decide to throw him an epic bachelor party, Cole sees his chance to break them up. Debbie makes it clear that she isn't interested in getting sloppy seconds from some prostitute. Will the well-intentioned Rick make it through the night without being unfaithful? Will Debbie's mom suffer a sausage-induced heart-attack at Debbie's bachelorette party? Will anyone be trampled by the donkey? You'll have to watch the movie and find out.

Or not. “Bachelor Party”is just barely entertaining enough to watch, and that's mostly due to Tom Hanks. Otherwise, the movie is very of its time. It's a completely typical 80's sex comedy, complete with stereotypical 80's villains. Tawny Kitaen's name and hair are so 80's that they probably helped tear down the Berlin Wall. The jokes are sophomoric and broadcast well in advance.

This is one of those movies, like “Porky's”, that I didn't manage to see back in the'80's when it might have better fit my sense of humor. It hearkens back to a simpler time, when nudity in movies meant titties, rather than knob-and-bollocks. There's also an innocence to the film, which, despite the boobs and the donkey show, really promotes traditional monogamy. It adheres to the age-old view of men as immature, promiscuous horn-dogs who need to be tamed by a good woman, which may be the one part they got right.

2 stars out of 5

Bentonville Film Festival

It's not exactly Cannes, or even Sundance, but the Bentonville Film Festival is going on this week, so we checked it out. Founded by actress Geena Davis and sponsored by Walmart, the Festival's purpose is to promote diverse voices in media, which means they mostly show films made by women, and a few by men as long as they aren't white.

The first movie I saw was “Stumped,” a documentary by Robin Berghaus about quadruple amputeee Will Lautzenheiser, who lost all four limbs to a strep infection. The film follows him as he rehabs, learning to function as well as he can, and then as he gets arm transplants. It's a pretty well-done documentary that does a good job presenting the science behind the transplants, and Will's sense of humor lightens what could otherwise be a dour subject.

The second movie was “Find Me,” an amateurish fictional film about an office drone (writer/director Tom Huang) whose work crush (Sara Amini) disappears. She sends him a cryptic message saying “Find Me,” and a series of clues that take him across the desert southwest to various scenic spots that help break him out of his suburban ennui. Most of the acting is pretty poor, and the scenes drag on a bit, but the footage of places like Death Valley and Zion National Park is stunning. The story and scenery were actually compelling enough to keep me interested despite the piss-poor acting. The other bright spot was Sara Amini, an American actress of Iranian and Colombian descent. Her energy level may be a bit too high for the film, but she is cute and charming enough that you can't stop watching her.

As film festivals go, the Bentonville Film Festival seems alright. I only have these two films to judge by, but their quality seems comparable to what I used to see at the Sundance Film Festival. The focus on diversity can get to be a bit much. The little tent city where sponsors give away schwag like free makeup and tampons (apparently un-ironically) is called, I kid you not, “Inclusion Town.” Despite all this, the festival isn't as obnoxious as I expected. Everyone seemed pretty nice, and a bit less full of themselves than some of the people at Sundance.

“Stumped” - 3 stars out of 5

“Find Me” - 2 stars out of 5