The first problem with “The
Velocipastor” is that I didn't come up with the title. The second
problem is that the title does not do justice to the film. Speaking
to all people of discerning taste, “Welcome to your new, favorite
movie.”
“The Velocipastor” was born in
2010, when film student Brendan Steere tried to type “velociraptor”
into his phone, and it auto-corrected to “veloci pastor.” That
may make this the first movie dreamed up by artificial intelligence.
Steere first turned the idea into a fake, grindhouse-style trailer
for a school project. That was so well-received that he got to work
on a screenplay. Oddly enough, it took a few years to get funding
for a movie about a priest who turns into a dinosaur. Ultimately,
“The Velocipastor” was made for $35,000, which also happens to be
the approximate number of f***s that this movie does not give.
Greg Cohan plays Father Doug, a priest
who witnesses his parent's death in a car explosion in the first
scene, and right away, we see what kind of movie this is. Instead of
actually blowing up a car (expensive!), they just show us an empty
frame with the words “Video FX: Burning Car.” (At this point, you
should either be in love with the movie, or turning it off.) His
faith shaken by the loss of his parents, Father Doug journeys to
China, where he is given a sought-after dinosaur tooth. He cuts his
hand on the tooth, and next thing we know he is back in the U.S.,
where he discovers he can transform into a dinosaur. A hooker named
Carol (Alyssa Kempinski) convinces him to use his powers for good,
and soon the dinosaur priest is ripping the arms and heads off of bad
guys.
There are movies that are so bad ,
they're good, but “The Velocipastor” is so awful, it's awesome!
It's full of quotable moments, like when the senior priest (played by
the director's dad) tries to console Doug, “So your parents died,
Doug. It's what parents do. They die on you.” The acting is about
what you'd expect in a home-made movie. The soundtrack is actually
some pretty kick-ass, obscure punk music. The film wisely just teases
glimpses of the velociraptor until the end, when we finally get to
see it in all its horrible, amazing glory.
The bottom line is that “The
Velocipastor” is an instant cult classic. If you love the weirdness
of "Buckaroo Banzai" and the absurdity of Monty Python, then this
is right up your alley. Really, it's all there in the name. If you
are the kind of person who saw this title and thought, “I need to
see that,” you're right!
4 stars out of 5
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